Fear

When I was a kid, I remember my family being in a scary situation. I have no idea what it was over, maybe bad weather, or an escaped convict lurking in the neighborhood, or maybe the ongoing saga of marital strife that defined my childhood, but I do know we were all in knots with very real fear....the kind that makes you want to hide under your bed and hold your breath. There was a woman with us, the grandmother of some close friends, whom we all called "Granny." She was a tough old broad, a God-fearing woman, but one who could spit in your eye from ten feet away if she wanted to. In her stern yet loving way, she admonished us to not be afraid, that fear is a sin because we are not trusting God to watch over us.

I told my therapist this story not long ago and, like most people, I imagine, she was horrified that this woman would shut down a child's emotions so completely, to tell us we were wrong to feel as we did. And not even just wrong, but committing a sin, a willful act of evil on our parts.

But in that moment, and perhaps more so now, those continue to be words of peace and comfort. Father Snapp in his sermon this morning talked about the snake in the garden of Eden. The Great Deluder, that sneaky bastard who is always whispering in our ears, convincing us so easily of the most terrible things. For me, it is to be afraid. In my weakest moments I believe I will be left alone, separated from those I love, either through death, circumstance, or by my own unloveable nature. Although I don't necessarily believe in the devil in a physical sense, I can see how helpful it would be to visualize that snake tickling my ear with that forked tongue of his. It is empowering to recognize the source as The Father of Lies.

So, to fear is to sin. Earlier in my life I wasn't even sure I believed in the idea of "sin." But now, with my particular experience, I feel like I can say there is no other word for it. It is the most palpable form of sin I have yet experienced, and boy am I a sinner. Despair so thick there were days I could literally not see the sun shining. There is hope in Father Snapp's words, in Granny's wisdom. I don't have to be afraid. Fear is a choice. In the words of everybody's favorite adopted mother, Marilla Cuthbert, "To despair is to turn your back on God."

And it's not really about choosing not to be afraid, all that is needed is just to turn back around and enjoy the sunshine that is already pouring down on all of us. The Prince of Peace has already empowered us, before we ever stumbled the first time....all we have to do is remember it is there.